Memories just Aren't Enough
by Humming Witch
Summary: All I ever wanted was to be happy with you, N... Why did you leave me? Will I find you again? *Shounen-ai, maybe some hints of yaoi, written in Touya's POV,- doesn't really follow plot in game - stops after the Ferris wheel*
1. Waking up to the bittersweet Memories

**Humming Witch: Yay, my first N x Touya fanfic! I'm planning on only making it 2 chapters long. I worked on this a while ago, but got too lazy to read over it again and again to make sure it was alright. This is waaay longer then I thought it would be, but, meh, whatever... :3 Hope you like it~**

* * *

I curl up underneath the covers in my old home - I came here for a visit, I thought it would clear my mind. But obviously it hasn't.

Tepig rubs his warm face up against mine, trying to cheer me up. But it's not working.

"Sorry, little guy, but I just... Can't do anything right now..."

He gives a snort of protest before laying down next to me.

"I'm sorry, I know you guys are trying really hard to cheer me up. Believe me, I wish I could cheer up A.S.A.P, but obviously I can't at all..."

Tepig nods, understanding what I said. Soon, he falls asleep, and I'm still curled up, thinking about... N.

I close my eyes and hold back tears.

Oh, N... Why did you leave all of a sudden like that? I thought you loved me? Was it just a joke? To use me?

I have so many un-answered questions...

I try to think back about 5 months ago. It's been such a long time... It feels like years... But it wasn't even a _half_ of a year...

**_~Flashback~_**

_We go on the Ferris wheel... My face is a bright red, I try not to show him how embarrassed I am right on a ride like this - and with a guy of...of all genders!_

_"Look, Touya, I need to tell you something..."_

_"Y-yeah...?"_

_"I'm the ki-"_

_Before he finished whatever he was about to say I leaned my face in close to his and pecked his lips with mine quickly. I moved away from him a bit, and tried to form a "S-sorry". I looked away from him nervously, and blushed even more. I don't know what drove me to do that... I just... He looked so... Pretty... And kissable..._

_His hand softly caressed my cheek. Oh, because this helps my embarrassment A LOT. He rested his chin on my shoulder and his warm breath on my neck sent shivers down my spine. I want to stay here, like this, for a little while longer... But it doesn't last as he takes his mouth away from my neck to start to nibbling on my earlobe, in a teasing way._

_I turn my head around to look at his face, and nervously say, "Wha-wha-what are you d-doing, N?"_

_He grinned at me, then crashed our lips together. He licked my lips and I gasped. Before I could even understand what was going on, he slid his tongue past my lips and started to taste and explore inside of my mouth. He urged me to do the same, and soon our tongues were intertwined and the need for air became too much for me to handle. I broke the kiss and gasped sharply. He licked his lips, and of course, my face went insanely red._

_"N, wha-"_

_He pressed his finger up against my lips,_

_"The rides almost over, let's continue this somewhere else. I'll come by your house tonight, 'kay? Just wait for me." He quickly kissed my lips again, and took his face away from mine._

_He smiled at me. And for the first time since we've been here I smiled back._

_The ride stopped; it was over. I was a little disappointed, but, oh well... Hopefully I'll get to see him again._

_"Touya, go, now, please..."_

_"A-alright..." I was about to go leave but stopped and turned back around,_

_"Wait, N, what were you going to tell me?"_

_"Just go! I'll tell you later..."_

_"Oh... Okay, then."_

_I left the park and started walking back home. I got lonely so I took Tepig out of his cramped little pokeball to put him on my shoulder._

_"Hey there, little guy, how's it goin'?"_

_He grunted happily and smiled. I chuckled a bit and pet his snout._

_By the time I got back home, the sun had started to set over the horizon. It looked beautiful. I went inside and was greeted by my mother._

_"Back from your journey to come visit your mother, Touya? Oh how sweet!"_

_"Heehheh, yeah, mum. Is it ok if I have a friend over?"_

_"Well, sure. What time will they be here?"_

_"Oh, well, actually, I.. Don't know.. heehheeh..."._

_I laughed nervously and took my shoes off, as Tepig jumped off from my shoulders and landed with a 'thud' on the floor._

_"Well, they're welcome to stay the night."_

_Tepig nudged his nose on my mother's leg._

_"Oh, hi there! How're you?" She asked, swatting down to pet Tepig's head._

_He gave a snort and smiled._

_"Oh, Touya, your sister is in her room, let me go get her. All of my children came to visit me lately, how lovely~ It'll be like old times." she said, getting up and walking up stairs to go get my sister, Touko._

_I'm not sure why my sister came back home, but she did. Oh well. I'll ask that later on._

_I walked over to the table in the living room and sat down. Tepig followed and sat next to me._

_He grunted. I pat his head._

_"When do you think he'll come, Tepig?"_

_Another grunt from him as he spins around in a circle and drops to the floor to lay down._

_"I hope he'll come soon..."_

_As we're all eating dinner, there's a knock at the door._

_My mother stands up to go get it. She opens up the door, and calls me over._

_"Touya, is this your little friend?"_

_I stand up and walk over to her. I look at the person outside of the door and blush._

_"Oh! Uh... yeah..."_

_He smiles at me._

_"Well, let him in, it must be cold out there." She chuckles._

_"O-oh, um, N, please come in."_

_He nods and walks inside._

_We walk back over to the table, and N sits next to me. Touko looks at N, and smiles at him each time he glances over at her. I felt jealousy rage in the pits of my stomach, but I ignored it._

_"So, how do you know my little Touya?" Mother asks him._

_He puts an arm around my shoulder and smiles._

_"Oh, I've known him for a bit..."_

_"Ah, I see."_

_"... Look, ma'am, I need to tell you something. I love your son. And I don't know if I'll be able to ... "ehem", control myself tonight. So if you hear some loud noises, please don't be alarmed~"_

_"N!" I yelled, in shock of what he said in front of my mother._

_Mother looked shocked. Touko looked crushed and angry at me. N smiled._

_"You better not take my little Touya's virginity!"_

_"Mom!"_

_"He's a virgin?" N asked._

_"I hate you Touya, I wish you were never born!" My sister yells at me._

_"Touko!" mother says._

_"SHUT UP." I yell, looking at the ground. "Mom, I'm old enough to make my own decisions, if I wanna have sex with N then I will - I know you still want me to be your little boy, but, it's not going to last forever, sadly. I love you, mom, but I also love N and you have to understand that. And Touko, Wishing that I'm dead just because I got the guy that you wanted at first glance? Well, maybe you shouldn't be such a bitch! Get over it, there are a lot of other people out there! Why pick on me?"_

_Everyone was silent. I couldn't take it anymore._

_"I-I'm going upstairs." I say, without looking at anyone. I look at the ground as I get up and walk up the stairs. I go into my room and sit at the edge of the side of my bed that's up against the wall. I hide my face in my hands and cry into them. I feel like a small child - alone and weak. I ruin everything, don't I?_

_A while later my door opens up a bit._

_"Go away," I say, my face still in my hands._

_"Touya, it's me." I recognize N's voice._

_I hear him walk into my room,close the door, and walk towards me. He sits next to me on my bed. He embraces me and I start crying on him instead of my hands._

_"N, I hate everyone! They make me feel like i can't do anything... I hate it, N..."_

_"...It's alright..." He starts to stroke my hair gently._

_My crying starts to fade away, as he comforts me. I sniffle a bit and sit up to look at his face._

_He chuckles a bit, and get's a tissue from his pocket. He wipes my face with it._

_"You're so cute, Touya."_

_I blush and look away, like always. He lifted up my chin so I could look at him._

_He kisses me on the lips a bit and smiles._

_"Touya..." He says, in a gentle voice, "I wanna make love to you. Let me?"_

_My faces gets as red as it can, and my eyes widen._

_"B-but, I just confessed my love today and I don't know if we should, but..." I looked away from him._

_"Oh, ok, I understand. We can take it slow, if you want." He kisses my cheek._

_"N-no, I want to, it's... It's just... I don't know i-if I...can..."_

_N chuckles once more, and takes off my hat. He then slides his hand up my shirt and onto my back. His hand is cold, it gives me goose-bumps._

_He starts to kiss my neck. He bites down and pierces trough my pasty white skin, then kissing it, leaving his mark on me. I'm definitely his, now. He then starts to kiss all over my neck, and I can't help but moan a little._

_"N-N..." I close my eyes for a while, as he continues to kiss my neck all over._

_"How cute, you really are a virgin, huh?"_

_"S-shut up..." I say, smiling a small bit. __"...I... I love you, N. A lot."_

_"I love you too, Touya."_

_He continues to kiss my neck, then, takes my shirt off. He licks my chest._

_"Ngh..."_

_He grins._

_"You sure you want this?" he asks me, pulling me into his lap._

_"Y-yeah..."_

_He kisses me on the lips quickly, and continues._

_Soon, we're both naked and holding each other. I can't stop my intense blushing._

_He keeps touching me in places - places that I've always wanted him to touch. Everything feels so nice - everything is nice._

**_-(end of flashback)-_**

I stop trying to remember what happened. N and I made love that night... But I don't want to think about that right now... All of the pain that I had after all of the sweetness is too much for me to bear.

I fall asleep and hope that I can forget about things for a while...


	2. Cuts and Kisses

**Urgh, I don't like how this chapter came out, and it's the last unless you guys wanted a bonus or something, like a lovey-dovey little TouyxN thing... Like what it's like after he got his cast off and everything. There is some I suppose explict stuff in here, but I don't go into deatail. Should I change the raiting to M, then? Cuz I don't know. :U Anyway, hope you like this sorta last chapter.**

* * *

There's a knock at my door.

"Touya?" It's Touko.

"..."

She opens the door. "When are you gonna get over it?"

"Shut the fuck up!" I yelled, still on my side and facing the wall. "Get over it? I can't! I never will! Just leave me alone!"

"Tch, be that way!"

She stormed back out and slammed the door behind her. I curled up and forced back tears. Tepig got up and made a worried-snort sound. I then heard Lilligant behind me, walking over to the bed. She sat down on it and made a worried-whine. When did she get out of her pokeball? Then after too much thinking, Unfezant flew through my open window and made the sound that told me it had a letter or gift for me.

I slowly sat up. Unfezant flew over to me and dropped a letter with a small box tied to it with ribbon. He nudged my face, like he was trying to tell me, "Cheer up!"

I looked the box and letter over, there wasn't anything written on it.

I wonder who it could be from?

Tepig and Lilligant crawled over to see what this was all about. Unfezant sat down and looked at the others.

I undid the ribbon and grabbed the letter. I opened it up, and found a note and picture. I read the note.

"_Touya,_

_So I know I haven't seen you in a while. I'm sorry. I want to visit you but I cant. I want to hold you in my arms but I can't. And most of all I want to see that beautiful face of yours, but I can't. I can't do any of that. I'll explain everything to you later. You should be focusing on your journey more than me. You really should be. I shouldn't be anything to you by now. Please forget me._

_- With love,_

_N_"

I want to crumple up this stupid note. How the fuck can I forget all of the shit he's put me through? How can I forgive him for leaving me like that? All I was to him was a quick fuck, wasn't I?

I hug my knees up to my chest and start crying. I grip the note tighter. Warm salty tears stream down my face and I can't do shit about it. I can't do shit about anything. All I can do is sit in a puddle of my own sorrow, and feel sad for myself.

I can see why he left. I'm a sad little _shit_.

I throw my head back against the wall. I throw the note a few inches away from me, my tears not stopping once. I bite my lip.

No. No. _No_. No more crying. No more sadness. None of it.

I get up out of bed. I'll look at the picture and gift later. I need to do this right now. All I'm in is my boxers and a tee-shirt, but I don't care. I have to do this.

I look around the hall and walk down stairs. My mother's probably sleeping in her room right now, there's no one in the living room. I walk into the kitchen and grab a small knife. I walk back up to my room praying that my sister or mom won't see me. I sit back down on the edge of my bed. Tepig nudges me. I haven't stopped my tears _once_. They keep pouring out of my eyes.

I don't want this anymore.

"Guy's I'm sorry," I say, as I cut my cheek. It burns with a pleasant warmth that flows over me. Blood is pouring out and it feels nice. I feel like I'm doing something better for humanity.

Tepig bites my arm. He wants me to stop. Lilligant grabs my other arm. She wants me to stop. Unfezant pecks my back a bit. He wants me to stop.

They all want me to stop.

But I'm never going to stop.

I won't stop until my tears stop.

I'll cut down to the very bone if I have to.

The tears are the ones that are hurting me. The tears are burning my heart. The cutting is making everything better.

I start to cut my opposite arm. It feels nice. I like it. Lilligant stopped holding onto me. My pokemon start crying and making whining noises. I should stop cutting myself, this is selfish. But I can't stop. I'll never stop.

_Ever_.

I get down to my wrist, my arm a bloody mess. Tepig jumps off the bed and leaves the room. I don't care. If he even tries to get someone I'll be gone by then. I'll be engulfed my the warmth of my own blood, and for the first time in months I'll be truly happy.

I stand up. I wobble over a bit. It's almost as if I'm drunk. I'm really dizzy. I can't stand up straight. I drop the knife. It falls with a clatter onto the hard wood floor. My vision blurs and I fall over as well, my cut arm falling into a puddle of blood. A small puddle, but still a puddle.

Yes. Yes. This is what I've wanted all along. This is the warmth I wanted. The warmth I _needed_.

And then I black out. Like I'm sleeping. I don't feel the warmth anymore, it left as quickly as it came. I'm freezing. But I don't feel myself shivering. I don't feel anything. Nothing.

Nothing.

* * *

I wake up to _beep_-ing noises next to me. There's a pain in my left arm that makes me flinch. I open up my eyes and look around. I'm in a bed. A comfy bed. There are florescent lights that sting my eyes and make a horrid buzzing sound.

Fuck I'm in a hospital, _aren't_ I?

I sit up a bit.

I look to my side and see that there's a door wide open. A door that leads to the hallway. A door that leads to more pain and horrible memories.

"Touya?" I hear my mother's voice call from behind the curtain next to me. She peeks through it.

"Mum..?" My voice is quiet and weak.

She walks over to me and embraces me lightly, although I can tell she wants to hug tighter. He tears fall onto my shoulder.

"Touya why did you do that? We were so worried! You lost so much blood - thank God Tokuo is the same blood type as you! We had to find others with the same type too - Oh God I'm so happy that you're alright! My baby! My baby almost died!"

She was sobbing loudly, I don't think she could help it. She sounded hysterical. I can't believe _I_ made her this worried.

"Te-Tepig came and told me. He kept nipping me. Lilligant and Unfezant got your sister. They care about you so much, it's so heart-warming to know that you've grown such a bond with them."

She sniffled and cried. I wanted to hug her but I couldn't. Only with my right hand. The left one hurt too much. I can't believe they cared about me that much. They really cared. That almost makes me happy.

I smile weakly and I pat my mothers head. She got up, and grabbed a couple of tissues in her purse to blow her nose in. She threw them away, then handed me the things N sent me.

"Here," she said, placing them on my stomach, "I found these in your room. I thought they'd be important to you. You've been here for a few days. I told N. He came to visit the second day you were here. He came every day after that. Touya, he cares about you, he really does. I thought I saw him cry. I know he made you miserable, and a part of me hates him for that. I also don't like that you two had sex but thats another story. He usually shows up around 5 P.M. It's 4 P.M. right now. I just thought I should let you know."

She flashes me a smile and pats my hand gently. She stands up and kisses my forehead.

"I'll check up on you later. The doctors and nurses will be in here to help you when you need it, ok?"

"Alright mom. Thanks..." I smile at her. She smiles back and disappears out of view. I sit up and stare at the things in my lap. I then noticed the pokeballs next to me on the nightstand. I took them and brought out Tepig, Lilligant and Unfezant. They were on the floor beside me. Lilligant stood up and hugged my face. Unfezant picked Tepig up so he could sit beside me. I went to pet him, but he looked away.

"Hey there, little guy," I said, trying to touch Tepig's snout, and in return getting snorts of disapproval. "What's wrong?"

He looked at me and glared. He snorted out a small puff of black smoke from his snout.

"Guys you saved my life... I' m sorry I was so selfish about everything. I should have realized how much you care. Forgive me?"

Tepig sighed then smiled. He made a happy squealing noise and rubbed his face up against mine. Unfezant made a happy cooing noise and ruffled up his feathers. Lilligant jumped up and made a happy noise as well. I chuckled.

"Can you guys help my open this box?" I asked, holding the small parcel with my un-injured hand. Tepig bit one side and pulled it open. It was a necklace with a key on it. A really really pretty key. Tepig then picked up the picture that I forgot about and dropped it over the necklace. It was a picture of N. In the corner it said,

_"I know I said to forget me. I'm no good for you. But know that I'll never forget you."_

I stared at the picture and slowly brought it closer to my face. I kissed N's face, then dropped my arm and let go of the picture. I let go of all my hate for him, of all my sadness. I let go of all the burdens I've had for all those months. I let go of the old, self-loathing me.

I smiled. I looked at the necklace. There was yet another note.

_"The key to my heart,"_

I blushed a bit and picked up the necklace. It was slightly heavy, but not too heavy. I put it in my lap.

Tepig curled up and laid down next to me. Unfezant and Lilligant crawled up onto the bed and fell asleep by my feet. I couldn't stop smiling like an idiot. A happy idiot. I gripped the necklace and let my arm drop to my side.

"Tch, you know I'll never forget you," I mumbled. I fell back asleep with my simile still on my face.

I woke up about 2 and a half hours later. I was disappointed at first because that probably meant that N left already.

I sat up as best I could. My pokemon were still sound asleep. I chuckled. Those sleepy-heads.

"Hey," I looked to my side at the curtain. It opened up and soon N stood before me. His face was tear-streaked. His hands were in his pockets. He smiled and hugged me.

"You idiot!" He said, crying onto my shoulder, "Don't you ever try anything like that ever again! _Fuck_ you don't know how worried I was! Goddamn I'm sorry!" He gripped the shoulder he was pouring tears onto.

"I'm sorry,"

"You should be... We're all sorry." He got up and pulled a chair over. He sat next to me, and traced the scar on my face with his pointer finger. "You hurt your beautiful face. It's scarred, now."

"Yeah."

"You cut your arm a lot,"

"I know."

"You could've died."

"I know."

"I need to tell you something,"

"Yeah?"

"..." N let out a loud sigh, "I'm the king of Team Plasma. You know, those people that don't like other people with pokemon? Yeah, that team. That's why I couldn't see you, because I had a lot of duties to tend to,"

"Those duties sound pretty stupid,"

"Yeah, they are."

"..."

We sat in a painful silence for a few moments, he only noises being beeps and nurses and doctors walking all over the place. I grabbed the key on the necklace and reached over to tap N's chest with it. "Boooop," I said, poking him.

He chuckled. "What?"

"It's the key. To your heart. And I want your heart right now. I need a kiss. The key isn't working. Boop boop boop," I kept poking his chest lightly, but then grew tired of holding my arm up so I let it fall back down to my side.

"You're so lazy," He said, as he leaned his face over mine.

"I know,"

After the last few words escaped my mouth, his lips met mine as we kissed lightly. It was short and sweet. It's what I've always wanted.

"N," His face was still close to mine. "Kill me,"

"What? Are you insane? Never!"

"But your life would be better, wouldn't it? You won't have to worry about me. Everything will be better."

"Don't say that!" N started crying a lot more now, onto my face.

"See? I make you cry. I make a lot of people cry. After I'm gone for a few months they'll forget and move on."

N hugged me.

"No, Touya. You make me happy. You make me really happy. I'm crying because the thought of not being able to have you makes _me_ want to die. I just don't know how this is going to work out, but don't worry I swear I'll find away. Just stop thinking about death. When that happens just come to me and I'll make it all better. Okay?"

I smiled and hugged his head. "...Okay..."

He smiled back at me through a mess of tears and kissed me again. And again. And again.

Soon we sorta just started shoving our tongues inside each other's mouth. I couldn't get over how sweet he tasted. He tasted wonderful, and I wanted more. But it's hard to be able to do things with only one arm.

"Mmmph," I groaned during our kiss. He stopped.

"What's wrong?"

"I'm kinda.. uh... never mind." I blushed and looked away a bit. He grabbed my crotch.

"Hey!" I said, sitting up quickly, "D-don't touch there!"

He chuckled. "But you're so hard~ Don't tell me you don't like it." He started rubbing.

"Ngh!"

He just smiled and continued. Soon he started using his mouth. It was wonderful. All of it. How the hell could my pokemon sleep through this? They better not be faking it. God it's hard to keep my moans quiet.

Quite quickly, I was satisfied and N put the covers back over me.

"I wish I could cuddle with you in there," He said, holding my hand, "Too bad it's too small."

"Yeah..."

He sat back down in the chair, not letting go of my hand.

"So you're alright with it?"

"W-with what?"

"The fact that I'm the King of Team Plasma?"

"Yeah... Sure... I guess so."

He kissed me quickly.

"Good, cuz you'll be my Queen as soon as you get the hell out of here."

He rested his forehead against mine. We both smiled like idiots. I'm pretty sure a doctor came in once or twice during everything, but it's not like we care. Then a nurse came in the room and shoved N out, saying that visiting hours were over. He promised to visit me every day after that, and he kept that promise. I slowly got better each day, Tokuo was a little nicer to me but not by much. Every day I'm alive I'm grateful for everything I have - I'm too stupid to get away from it all. I can't believe what I was thinking then. I was such an idiot. I'm happy I have a mother that cares, a wonderful lover, and pokemon that will be with me through tough times. I'm so happy I'm alive. I'm so happy that I didn't actually die. I'm so happy I'm such an idiot for being like that. I'm so happy that N came back.

I'm so happy I don't think it could get any better than this.

* * *

**I think I have a thing for writing about guys cutting themselves. Oh God. I don't know, I just couldn't resist. This is... Wow, I feel like a sick monster. TT_TT Maybe Iwrite it easier because I can't realate and I _used _to cut myself but that's another story. Am I... Am I some kind of sadist? I'm too lazy to look it up right now. Neh, anyway... This chapter seemes way to lovey-dovey and waaay to cheesey... I'm sorry.**


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